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by Pat O'Brien founder and director of "You Gotta Believe! The Older Child Adoption and Permanancy Movement" Most of the time it's hard to FEEL love when our kids are driving us crazy and doing all sorts of vicious things. I'll even let you in on a little secret: sometimes people don't FEEL love for their own biological children who misbehave, particularly at the moment of their misbehavior. As I write this piece, I'm sitting in the lobby of a very nice hospital, awaiting the arrival of one of our adoptive parents with the teenage adolescent son we placed with them. This young man is doing everything possible to get this family to reject him. He stole nearly $1,000 in cash from his parents just to rip it up, throw it out, or flush it down the toilet. He assaulted his adoptive mother twice. He self-mutilates regularly, and then tells his teacher that the marks were a result of being beaten, and he's not being fed enough food. Needless to say, this family feels a lot of anger toward this child. However, what they are DOING is choosing to love him by getting him the treatment he needs and being there for him throughout his treatment. They are committed to his growth through treatment and will be there for him throughout his entire hospital stay and beyond. They have unconditionally claimed him by not making his behavior a factor in their staying committed to him. They are loving him. They are "doing love." We all grow up in the same culture. A culture where we watch the same movies, the same TV shows, that give us a very false view of what love is. Love is supposed to be this overwhelming intoxicating feeling of Joy for that significant other person. We fantasize about this love al the time. But the reality is that true love exists not through our feelings but through our doings. So, it is possible to feel anger, fear or grief toward another person but still be doing love. I can even say that I have seen people who have felt utter hatred toward a child's behavior but were nonetheless choosing to love that child by staying committed to that child throughout this treatment program in out-of-home facilities or in-home therapies. As that's the child's everlasting girt to the family. The family grows as a result of struggling through the child's behavior as does the child. Its a growth as a result of that unconditional commitment called LOVE. More about You Gotta Believe! |
