How Much Time?

Despite all the loss and trauma which older adopted children go through, the vast majority still want to become part of a family. That is an amazing fact. These children are ready to form deep and lasting bonds with their adoptive parents, even though those bonds are full of conflict and ambivalence. In our group's experience, cases of attachment disorder are rare.

One sign of the children's hope for a family lies in how seriously they keep track of the families they have been with. When one boy met his prospective adoptive parents for the first time, he reeled off his birth family's last name, the surnames of his two foster families, and then added the last name of the adoptive couple. He knew his history. Through all the changes and dislocations, he was struggling to maintain an identity. He would not let anything get lost.

The following story indicates how duration of time is another factor in the child's sense of belonging and identity.

Our daughter had been with us 13 months, and was 7 1/2 at the time. She had been wondering out loud about her prior homes--how long here?, how many months there? She could only recall three homes--"or was it four? This one lady had me a few weeks I think"--since she was placed at age 3. She seemed to have no memory of the two others, or any knowledge of the fact that she had entered foster care shortly after birth.

So having been with us a year already, maybe there was more security than before to venture the following conversation:

With hands fluttering anxiously, body rocking, feet pacing, she found her question: "Mommy! how long have I been anywhere? What home? Which one?"

We had been told 16 months was the longest, and to her deep regret, that was with the family she truly hated. "Well, how long has it been with you?" "13 months," I told her.

The anxiety peaking, "And how much time till that time with you??--no, wait--don't tell me," as her mind raced to do the figuring, but before long--

"How much time??" We counted together from 13 to 16 months--"So when's that?"--and we added the three months and exclaimed the month outloud.

That month comes, and goes, and she survives again another milestone.

She was 6 1/2 when she moved in. September first is our third anniversary as a family. Everyone we know, from time to time, remarks on her confidence, her happiness--"she's so solid," "seems so secure," "so joyful," "obviously connected to you both." All this is true. We are proud of the love she's been able to absorb, and humbled by all she has taught us. I do sense, however, that it will take a full 6 1/2 years--plus one day--for her to feel truly at home.